That sweet feeling..

... you know, like the first time you fall in love.. it feels that way.... I feel happy today.. really happy :)

I do miss Heba so much... I'm even going to change rooms so I don't keep waking up and looking at her bed wondering where she is.. I'll do that tomorrow as I really do need to sleep.

I also miss him.. It was nice teasing each other and the day of the wedding revealed lots of feelings that was just great...

I guess we will meet soon.. not sure yet in which country but it's gonna happen.. at the right time..

Time to go to sleep... I learned so much whilst in Egypt. Mainly about how wedding plans can all happen in the last minute and it will still look like it took ages to plan. Also that you shouldn't try to please people because you can never please everyone so better do what you think is right. Finally, that I really miss Heba and it will be a very tough few months until I get used to not having her around..

Good night y'all... (who the heck is all!) hehehehe

Home sweet home...

I'm so glad I'm back.. I feel so hyper and happy, again!

Don't know what that was all about but I was so glad to be on today's flight... now I have the next 10 days alone with my brothers to see who will drive the others mad (,")

Time to enjoy!

Time to go home...

It has been a great week, but I don't feel like I'm at home.. I miss my room, my friends, my things.. just want to leave and go back.

Something here doesn't feel right, I don't know what it is but it is making me feel really odd...really glad I'm leaving in a few hours..

Cairo... another day..

I can't even think how many days it has been since we arrived.. I'm ill and staying in bed all day, not fun :(

Heba is still in Sharm Elsheikh with Ahmed and I miss her so much... I keep waking up thinking she's in the same room but don't find her.. I hope she's having a great time..

Now the question is, do I follow her? NO, not to Sharm of course!! I mean with the whole marriage thing.. do I take this step now or is it too soon? (I have to recover from the cold/flu first anyway!)..

I feel so tired that I can't even think.. I have to say though, HE is amazing.. really caring and.... but is it too soon?

There is so much I need to do whilst here in Egypt but can't remember a single thing of it!!! Damn that flu/cold!!!! (I can't even tell what it is!)

I am enjoying the wedding photos and we keep teasing each other :)

Alexandria? Maybe tomorrow, if my cold/flu gets any better.. fingers crossed.

Cairo, day 1

what a day!!

It felt soooooo long that I had to sleep to make time fly!!

We left this morning to make the final arrangements for tomorrow's wedding.. it was great.

The I went home.. I had to wait from the train that arrives at 9.30 and it seemed time has just gone really slow... it was still 6... a few hours later - or so it seemed - it was 6.05!!!

I slept and woke up to find it was 8... there were lots of visitors so it was nice to chat to them until then..

At 10pm the door opened.. There he is.. he gained lots of weight but that didn't matter to me.. Withing minutes me, him and my brother were on our way to but the wedding cake. It was a chance for a catch up.. it was nice.

now we are all in the flat, the family i mean, enjoying Heba's last day with us..

Dear blog, I'll catch up with you later :)

Cairo.. the city that never sleeps..

Well, after 4 days of cancelled flights and delays and dramas we finally arrived in Cairo. It's amazing... I don't know what it is that makes me feel like I'm alive :)

A year ago I was on my way to Turkey (followed by a trip to Cairo) and during this period I was initiating a relationship.. It failed miserably in the end but I learned so much from it..

Well, this year I'm in Cairo at around the same time and assessing the initiation of yet another relationship... what is it with relationships and Cairo!!

I guess I'm ready for a new adventure but before I start that adventure I'm going to enjoy single life to the max... who knows, it may be my last few days as a single person... oh joy!!

The flight was an odd one.. Egyptair has a new plane in their fleet and it was really nice compared to the other aircrafts I have been on so far.

To add to the joy of the trip I met three well known characters - Ramy Lakah (a businessman who left Egypt after being unable to pay back lots of loans and debts - or so it is alleged), Amr Zaky (a well known footballer in the Egyptian Zamalek team) and Mohammed Henidi (a well known actor). It reminded me of the note I wrote a few weeks ago about not judging books by their covers..

Anyway...

I was joined by my father, my sister - who is getting married in the next few days - and my mum. My dad and sister fell sick during the flight and it felt like we spent years in the plane.. Luckily they are both fine and doing well now.

So..

Tomorrow is the stat of a new adventure. Let's see what my crazy mind will get me to and what these few days will bring.. I'll keep blogging.. i think!

Back to the stars....

Hi blog... huh!

OK, seriously.. I promised myself I would turn my life around today, guess what? I did! I mean, I knew that I would.. I'm just saying "I did" to confirm... never mind.

I woke up today feeling tired and sleepy - again - but this time I woke up before my alarm even went off (the first alarm that is) and was ready to start the day... Start it right this time!

I went to work, singing all the way (in my mind of course! one volcano is bad enough) and smiling and full of energy. I was enjoying the sun and the lovely weather.

I arrived at work and it was all going so well. "I am determined to make this a good day", I kept saying to myself.

It really was amazing.. I didn't stop laughing (back to my usual crazy self) and I was full of confidence. I even heard lots of funny things today that made me like working where I am.. I needed that for a looooooooooong time!!


I have a cold? (sorry, this has nothing to do with what I'm saying but I just discovered that I have developed a cold whilst writing his blog note!!!!)... anyway...



The best thing that can happen to someone is that they discover that there is someone who really REALLY really cares about them. I don't mean caring as in the usual caring but that extra special CARING..

It made me feel great. Like an angel was watching over me.. I haven't felt that in over a year and it really did feel great... it made me realize what I was missing.. WOW!

So that's what it was like! cool!



BUT (there's always a "BUT")... what a weird nickname!!! seriously... it's weird... but somehow i still love it....

I'm looking forward to the flights returning to normal.. really am...

Good night world, good night blog... (I am acting like I'm stoned as someone said today... hehehehehe)

Hmmmmm.....

.... time to stop acting crazy and start focusing? About time!



I finally started sync'ing my iphone, getting rid of all the unnecessary photos that have been stuck there and I couldn't delete them. That's the first step.

Then, I need to work hard, on lots of things.. Finishing the editing I'm working on and focusing more on the future.. it really is bright if you look at it carefully. I was letting myself sink with all the negative thoughts and traumas... it has taken way too long from my precious time - time to stop..

I ordered my new diary/planner today. I will start working hard to get everything in order as it was before the start of 2010. Time to work my magic!

I also promised myself to make 2010 the best so far.. it has been very tough but I know I'm capable of turning it around.

The death of a dear friend many years ago made me find out how strong I can be and how I can turn my life around in an instant.. This time it wasn't the death of a friend but rather the death of a principle. Not mine, thank God.

I learned that people can be deceitful, they can pretend to be angels and really convince you of that. They are not necessarily angels though. I thought I have all the barriers set in place and ready to protect me but clearly this was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. It's not that simple..

But, as I said, time to focus on the positives of this year.. I'm tougher, stronger and ready for more challenges. I have succeeded professionally in ways I didn't think was possible.

I proved to myself in the last couple of months that I can do anything I set my mind to. It was amazing to see the outcome..



So.. Here's to another new start.. a fresh start to something amazing inshaa Allah...

Sunshine!!

I LOVE it!!! it's making my already so amazing mood even better!!

I want to lie on the grass and stare at the clear blue sky and the enjoy the tranquility... amazing, just amazing...

Ice cream!!

Dear world.... I LOVE you!

Well, maybe not LOVE you but rather "I think you're OK!".

Since yesterday I can't stop laughing... Volcano! ash cloud! we're stranded in the UK!! what about my sister's wedding!! This is something that can be written for a movie but to happen in real life, it's just odd!

But that's just one of the reasons why I don't seem to give a damn..

Life is great, I'm not sure why but it just feels great again.. I love the sunshine, the amazing weather, the fact that I regained my strength!

As I revealed more and more lies I decided to take some action. I spoke to a colleague - a very dear colleague - whom I lost due to all the lies I was hearing and believing.. I wanted to ask him, not sure what to ask him about but I wanted to talk to him.

Did he know about my ex's relationships? Did he know what was going on??

I asked him.. The shock on his face made me sure he didn't know.. I told him everything my ex has ever said to me about him, about their friendship, I even showed him an email he sent me about him - I wish I had saved everything so he could see it.

He looked more and more shocked.. I felt sorry for him. I wasn't the only one deceived..

He decided to confront my ex. As usual my ex ran away from all this and made excuses as to why he can't talk to him. He didn't need to. He's a liar.

My ex then thought that I - like him - had secrets I was scared people would know. I don't. My family raised me well, unlike him.

He sent me a threatening message on facebook. I saw it and laughed. I then updated my status that he's threatening me.. hehehehe

You see, when you don't do anything wrong, you have nothing to hide, you don't care what anyone says! Basically!

I won't stop. He has fooled so many people and I don't think he should be able to get away with it. He needs to understand that we all have to face the consequences of our actions. This is what life is all about!


Now the main point is... Soon I will have to get on with my life and stop looking back at this sick relationship and remember this sick guy... COOL!

Now what...

I feel so tired.. not sure why. I have had a pretty quiet day but I think my brain is overheating.. It has been working hard for the last few weeks that it's slowly feeling the pressure..

I can't stop wondering.. thinking.. trying to figure it out. Figure our the rest of the story.. what is it missing.. what else do I not know? what is right and what is wrong?

I forgot I didn't yet buy the dress I need to buy before going to Cairo.. I have 2 days left and my mind is all over the place.

I know it will be a really long trip.. I will leave my sister behind at a time when i need her support.. I will come back without her and who knows what else will happen whilst we're there... am I ready?

I have this feeling I felt one day many many years ago when we had a family trip to Chessington. We took a ride which was a train ride into a black hole. I felt lost. Like I was heading into the unknown... but I couldn't stop the train then, and I can't stop life now.

I need to move.. move somewhere very far.. somewhere where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. I need a break from everything. I think going to Turkey as planned is the best solution. Let's see what happens..

Mother ALWAYS knows best?

I thought about it... a lot... why does my family reject the person I chose as a partner.. He was intelligent, hard working, focused, set on developing himself and most of all we understood each other.

My family first welcomed him into our little family and he was automatically one of us.. well, after all the things I said about him why wouldn't they?

But something didn't feel right. I didn't feel they have really accepted him.. Something was not making my mum feel at ease... It was depriving her of sleep too.. She couldn't tell me about it nor could she figure out what it was.

As days went by, there was a gap starting to develop between me and my mum.. It broke my heart.. we were never far apart.. We were the closest out of all my siblings.. why now?

I kept putting it down to the fact that she felt she was going to have to part with me and my sister soon as we were arranging our weddings and will soon be moving out of the place. "she must be trying to get used to us not being around" I kept saying to myself. But I knew this wasn't the reason.

Days, weeks and months went by and my mum could no longer hide her worry. She confided in her friend and this made her share the worry. She didn't have to worry about it all on her own.

To her surprise, my sister also felt the same thing. She was talking to her one day and told her that although she still hadn't met my partner she feels there's something wrong. "When you see him", said my mum, "you will enjoy the chat you have with him. The minute he leaves you will feel there is something wrong.. you won't know what it is though".

All this was happening in complete secrecy. I wasn't aware nor would they have shared it with me. They know that, the rebel that I am, this would have made me feel stronger about him.

More months went by and we were close to the wedding.. very close. My mum and sister were in Egypt arranging the final details of my sister's wedding before she arrives back to attend my wedding (so close!).. I received a call from my mum.. I informed her that I would be traveling to Cairo for work purposes and that I will see them there.

"Pray Istikhara" said my mum. It's a prayer you pray and ask Allah to guide you. I assured her that I have been but I wanted to know what was going on as she sounded worried.. She told me to keep praying until she sees me the following day. "OK" I said.

I prayed that evening and again in the morning. To my surprise (and shock) I found me sending a text message... It said that I can no longer do this. I'm not happy. This is wrong.

I wasn't sure why I said that or how. I just remember sending it. I even forgot about it!!

Hours later I was on a plane on way to Cairo. I received a text message saying that it was over and my partner was going to announce the break up.

Within seconds I was sending text messages to my friends and colleagues and even updated my status on facebook to announce the break up. My family didn't know what was going on. They were receiving all the information as I was on the plane mid-air.

Today, I decided to share with the world the fact that I learned. Mothers ALWAYS know best.. They just DO.

I woke up and decided that I can no longer keep this secret. Not anymore.. Not now.

I have been supporting my partner in all ways I know how. My family taught me the best in life. They taught me to be there for anyone who needs or requires my help. No strings attached. They taught me honesty, bravery, they even taught me that when someone hurts me that I learn to forgive or at least forget and let go.

Maybe that was wrong...

Whilst I was hurt and in pain, I couldn't share this pain with anyone. I had to try to forget. Try to let it go..

When i learned that my ex-partner's father passed away I was in shock. What must he be going through? I have to be there for him... Any other sane human being would have let it go, I think... I didn't. I tried to support him but it backfired.

It took me a few days to say "ENOUGH!". I didn't do anything wrong here. HE did. Why do I feel bad?? Why do I feel like I didn't try to make this work? Why do I feel like I have never been there for him or supported him!!!!

I woke up feeling angry.

I opened my email and started reading.. Reading his message to her.. to them... Why didn't he ever mention that he was in a relationship with someone else? What made him think it was to hurt her too?? Why did he only decide to tell her there was someone else in his life 6 months after our engagement?? why did he tell her he was "starting a relationship" not that he has been engaged for 6 months!!

What about the others? What excuse could he possibly have? He was playing with all their hearts too.. why? did that make him feel good? Did it make him feel wanted? That he's desired by all these women?

What if they all found out what he is really like? Is it my role to wake them up to his reality just as someone decided to wake me up? Who was that person anyway? Why didn't they tell me all this earlier?


I shared this with my mother today.. I told he that I finally found out the reasons she never quiet felt right about him. I found out why her heart was filled with worry.. why she was never able to accept him as a member of the family. He was lying and cheating.

She sighed in relief.. She told me everything. Her conversations with her close friend. Her chats with my sister. Her prayers that if there was something wrong that it would be revealed before marriage. That if this was going to cause me any pain that I would stop it before it's too late.


You see, mothers DO know best... I love you mum..

Characters of a mysterious story..

I have felt lost for weeks. Trying to find the right words to express the story. It was a very hard task... But as they always say, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I found it! Or rather it found me!

I saw a friend's note today (Mona) and a few notes from other friends (though they were not as obvious as Mona's or as helpful) and the Words were flowing.... So here it goes:



This is a story about a story. The story was very interesting to read. It really was. It was confusing too but it was interesting.

The starts of the story were many. Aram was the best one. Aram was the only one who knew what was happening. Aram was the only one who really took time to think. The others, including Marwah (no not me - but she was also good!), Amera, Eli, Remi...... this list can go on for some time!! .... we not aware of the main star of the story... they didn't realize it was a story or that they were heroes of it.

The story was catching to anyone reading it.. by the time they reached the first few pages they were either clever enough to know how the plot will end or (like me) were too attached to the plot that they just kept reading.

At the end of the story, everyone discovers how it ends and find out if they were right or wrong about the ending. I have to say... it's not as you would think it would turn out at all!



As i will add this to my blog - the one where i document my learning experience - i have to say that this story taught me a lot... you can never judge a book by its cover as the saying goes. In fact, you can't judge a book at all until you have read it all... the twist in the ending can make you see everything differently...




i have to say, i really admired every single heroine of the story, they were very brave.

The "hero"? You would have had to read the story but at the end the "hero" turns out to be a the evil character... I told you there was a twist!

6th April

What a day!!

I met a friend today over lunch and it was nice having a chat and catching up. It was like running away from reality and looking at things through someone else's eyes. It worked like magic.

Then I walked through Regents Park, my favorite place and one where I always leave in an amazing mood...

Then I arrived at home. Lots of packing is taking place. My sister is moving to another country soon and that is killing me. I mean we are like all siblings, we argue a lot and have silly discussions and spend days not talking sometimes... But whenever we need each other we always manage to support each other through hell and back.. I guess I'm not ready to lose her too. Not with everything else that's going on.

I also got lots of bad news from Egypt.. That was the last thing I needed.

If you know life well, you'll know that when you think things can't possibly be any worse it will surprise you with what's worse.

I was watching TV and I saw the mess in Egypt. Scary. If you have no money to feed your family, poisoned and rotten food that isn't even suitable for animal consumption but you don't have other choices, contaminated water, low wages, no clean air, no transport, poor education, an unfair government that has been ruling for years and won't leave unless the president's son is the new president, no fair elections and no freedom of speech.... To name a few! The last thing you can expect is that you are prohibited from demonstrating too!! The videos and photos were shocking. People were kidnapped in broad daylight.. Just for demonstrating peacefully.

Oh Egypt, whatever will happen to you next...

Time to end this day by going to sleep. Maybe in my dreams I will find a way out... Maybe not.

April...

... used to be a month I look forward to, for so many reasons.. not anymore.

In fact, I was looking forward to 2010, as well as other people, to get away from 2009 which was bad luck to a lot of people. As it turned out, 2009 was much nicer than 2010!

The year isn't going for many of us. On the professional as well as the personal levels. Is this who 2010 will be for the remainder of it? I hope not...

I got to see a different side to a lot of people around me. It is shocking! The latest was a colleague's wife who pretended to be a friend. Suddenly she took a stand. She decided not to talk to me! Why? Not a clue!

The funny side is that those people I'm seeing a very ugly side of were once the people I should have avoided and cut all relations with. At the time, however, I decided that I wouldn't do that as it was "unfair" and you should always find excuses to people's weird behaviors. This is a mistake I am learning from and learning the hard way too.

Time to cut back on such relations as they turned out to be more harmful than good!